I've mentioned before that when I gave birth to Little A, I had an emergency csection because her heart rate dropped due to there not being enough room for her to get out (that's my guess now that I look back). Anyway, after I gave birth I was traumatized. I swore I would never give birth again, and if I did there would be no way that I would have another csection. Well, 4 years later I am signing up for another csection. I had always hoped for a vbac, but when I had my second surgery I found out how small my pelvis really is and I am not even going to try (why risk going through an emergency csection and having my baby in NICU for a week again). That's not the only reason though, with a jpouch I've researched and for a few reasons, a csection is suggested.
Anyway, I wanted to share something that happened to me after I gave birth to Little A...
As I said, I was traumatized after having an emergency csection, especially since I planned an all natural birth that was going to be peaceful and beautiful and perfect! When I got home, I couldn't be happier to have my daughter in my arms. I was loving being a Mom (and I still do). I actually was (and am) so in love with my new life (never had post partum depression or anything like that). My only issue was, I started to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress. I actually didn't even know it was that at the time. I always thought PTS was what happened to people after being in a war or a seriously scary situation where they would flashback to the scene and relive it in their head. It wasn't until last year that I looked up what it actually was and found out that there are different types and I suffered from another type. This type was when the person who had a traumatic experience becomes extremely paranoid and worried over nothing, even creating situations in their head that are very far fetched from happening. About a year ago it came into my head that there may be different types of PTS and when I looked it up I noticed I had every symptom.
I became panic stricken over the littlest things. My husband use to play basketball at night once a week and I would text him swearing someone was in the house. When he left for work in the morning, I felt like the house was going to blow up or burn down with Little A and I inside. I didn't even leave the house with her, without him for about 6 months. When I went out with them, I was suspicious of everyone, worried something bad would happen. I didn't want to drive, even alone because I was positive something bad would happen. I'm sure there are more severe cases then what I went through and I'm sure some of it was "first time mom jitters" but in my head, I was positive bad stuff would happen to me. At the time I didn't even know I was suffering but I would break out in hives every single night before bed. I thought it was hormones!
Lucky for me this passed on its own before Little A was a year old, I didn't need medication, heck, I didn't even know I had something wrong until 4 years later! I started to experience these feeling again after I had my last surgery. I had some complications that caused me to bleed from the surgery site, non stop. This happened 14 days after I was home which was the scariest part. Even at the hospital, no one knew what to do. I was positive I wasn't going to make it because of all the blood I continued to lose. Anyway, when they finally "fixed" the problem, I was constantly worried the spot would bleed again. I also was starting to think of other bad things happening. I remember being in a store one night with T and Little A and I became panic stricken that someone had a gun and we would be held hostage. That night was when I realized I was starting to have the same feelings I had after having Little A. When I Googled it, I found out it was PTS and I was starting to have it again!
Honestly, I'm not positive why it didn't get that bad. The first time it happened after giving birth it went away on its own after 9 months or so, lessening with time. This time I think knowing exactly what was happening helped me prevent it from getting as bad. This time I took deep breaths and imagined only good things, I used crystals and worry stones to help calm my nerves, and essential oils helped me think straight and sleep well without worry. I now like to repeat the mantra "thoughts create things", knowing that bad thoughts bring on bad things and good thoughts will bring on good things. That definitely helps me get my mind straight when I need too.
I wasn't diagnosed by a doctor so I'm sure some will say this isn't what was wrong with me, but I know what I felt and from what I read, I did suffer.
I hope to never have to deal with PTS again now that I know exactly what it is and how to handle it. A true life lesson.